A Very Special Episode of Jerry Springer
by Jessie4
Summary: Sailor Senshi on Springer. Yes, you've read it right. *now chaptered*
1. "Where Have All the Morals Gone?"

A Very Special Episode Of Jerry Springer
Written by [Jessie][1]  

If one wishes to talk to the author about anything, she's reached at: [MinakoX33@aol.com][1]
  
-----Foreword-----
The following is a work of fiction. No bad juju is intended towards Takeuchi-sama, black people, the hick population, or Jackie Chiang. All mention of the great Jackie-sama's works is used with only the best intentions. Please don't kill me. 
Which brings me to my next point. This is a PARODY. I am a raving otaku of BSSM, but had a lot of free time on my hands one long weekend. The following is my attempt at humor. If anyone takes this seriously, that probably means you've got even more time on your hands than I do. 
This fanfic also deals with some rather adult topics. No hentai (although a lot is hinted at). Hey, it is Jerry Springer, after all. Basically, if you're offended by a string of bleeps or risqué topics, stop reading this now, 'cause it's not going to be your cup of tea. 
That being said, let's begin the show! 
------------------
  
[Mandatory Bandai Logo]
  
[Clips from the coming episode]
  
ANNOUNCER
Today, on Jerry Springer...
  
Rivals fight for their man!
  
[Scenes of Queen Beryl hitting Neherenia on the head with a chair]
  
A girl with two boyfriends!
  
[Clip of Naru looking flustered as she sits between Nephrite and Umino]
  
Sex!!!!!
  
[Scenes of Queen Beryl taking off her top]
  
And, of course, the mandatory fights!
  
[Clips of Umino whacking Nephrite where the sun doesn't shine with a baseball bat; Queen Beryl getting blasted from some unseen energy source]
  
All this and more on the next Jerry Springer!!
  
[Jerry Springer's theme song is played, and Jerry walks out to the crowd's chants of, "Jerry, Jerry!!"]
  
JERRY
Thank you. We have an exciting show planned for you today. We have as guests the Sailor Senshi themselves, along with those of who know them. 
  
[Loud cheers from the audience]
  
JERRY
Now, let's bring out our first guests, Osaka Naru and Umino Gurio!
  
[Naru-chan and Umino-kun walk out and sit down]
  
JERRY
Now, Naru, Umino. What is your story?
  
[Umino begins to speak up, but Naru smacks him]
  
NARU
Well, Jerry, here's how it is. Before I got involved with Umino here, I was kind of accident-prone. I seemed to get attacked by monsters a lot. It's almost like I'd become, "Naru-chan, Official Battery of the Bad Guys" or something. But, after awhile, I stopped getting attacked, and moved on to a normal life.
  
JERRY
So, that's your summary?
  
[Naru nods]
  
JERRY
I assume that means you have no idea why you were called here?
  
[Naru shakes her head]
  
[Jerry smiles]
  
JERRY
Well then, let's bring out Nephrite!
  
[Nephrite walks out in his business man attire]
  
[Naru's jaw drops to the ground]
  
NARU
N--Nephrite???!!!! Bu... But you're dead! Aren't you?
  
NEPHRITE
You talk like people ever really stay dead in the Sailor Moon universe. Besides, I've been brought back in so many fanfics, it's like I never left.
  
UMINO (angrily)
And, who the HELL are you????
  
NARU
Er... Um... Umino-kun... This is Nephrite... He was my first boyfriend...
  
UMINO
NANINANINANI?????????
  
NEPHRITE
I am Nephrite. I was a part of the Dark Kingdom until I fell in love with Naru and subsequently got killed because of it.
  
UMINO
Are you saying you want MY Naru-chan?
  
NEPHRITE
In a nutshell, yes.
  
[Umino screams and picks up his chair, bringing it down on top of Nephrite. He is subsequently pulled away by really big security men, and separated from Nephrite and Naru by a single chair]
  
NARU
Oh, God... This is the last time I respond to an Usagi invitation...
  
[Umino gets back up, wielding a baseball bat. He whacks Nephrite where the sun doesn't shine]
  
NEPHRITE (His voice a few octaves higher)
That's it, you little weasel! Now I'm gonna kick your little geek ass!!
  
[He puts a hand on Naru's breast, and drains energy from her. He then sends a large blast of dark energy at Umino, who is burnt to a crisp]
  
NARU
Oh, my god!! You killed Umino!
  
JERRY
Er... well... I think it's time to go to a commercial... NOW!
(whispering)
Someone clean that mess up!
  
[CM Break]
  
[Some business guy stands against a gray background]
  
BUSINESS GUY
Have you been in an accident? If so, you are liable to collect millions of dollars because the American legal system is so screwed up that anyone can threaten to sue and make millions! Call 1800-WE-SUE-U now!
  
[End of CM Break]
  
[Naru is making out with Nephrite in the corner of the stage]
  
JERRY
Next, we have a special treat for you. The Outer Senshi!!
  
[Sailors Uranus, Neptune, and Pluto walk out and sit down]
  
JERRY
Wait a minute... Isn't there a Sailor Saturn? Where is she?
  
PLUTO (whispering)
She got ill and had to stay home
(at audible level)
To do our housework!
  
NEPTUNE
Ara... Setsuna... You said the quiet part loud and the loud part quiet again... 
  
PLUTO
Damn it! It's all this freaking whispering I have to do! What the hell's with my character?! "Dead Scream," bah! If I was allowed to talk at normal levels, embarrassing stuff like this wouldn't happen!
  
[Pluto continues to ramble on as Neptune tries to calm her down. Uranus merely fidgets in her seat impatiently]
  
JERRY
Well, now that was interesting, wasn't it? Next we have a man with an interesting relationship to the Sailor Senshi. Here is Chiba Mamoru!!
  
[Mamoru walks out and sits down]
  
JERRY
Now, if I'm reading this card right, you're actually Sailor Moon's boyfriend??
  
MAMORU
Yes, that's true, although I spend so much time needing rescuing, one has to wonder who's the man in this relationship. 
  
[Uranus snickers]
  
MAMORU
Shut up, Haruka. Unless you want a rose stuck up your anus.
URANUS
Oh, like I haven't heard that one a million times!
  
[She takes the Space Sword out of wherever the senshi pull those swords and stick thingies from]
You'd better be prepared to back that up, Cape Boy!
  
MAMORU
Oh, yeah? You lesbian [beep]
  
URANUS
You [beep] [beep] [beep]ing [beep] [beep] [beep]!
  
MAMORU
I thought I told Luna to keep quiet about that!
  
[Uranus gets up and starts punching Mamoru]
  
[The big security guards get up to break up the fight, then see Uranus' sword and decide against it]
  
JERRY (From his very safe spot in the audience)
Can someone break this up? Sailors?
  
PLUTO
Do we look stupid?
  
[Neptune sighs and walks over to Uranus. She whispers something in Uranus' ear]
  
URANUS
Are we even allowed to do that on national Tv? Kids watch this, you know.
  
NEPTUNE
Yes, but there are some things in life only adults can enjoy...
  
[Uranus turns red and follows Neptune off stage]
  
JERRY
Er... I guess it's time for our next guest. She's also got some emotional ties to Mamoru here. Let's meet Beryl, former queen of the Dark Kingdom!
  
[Queen Beryl walks out in a black leather outfit that looks like a Sailor Starlight uniform. She walks down to center stage, where she unzips her top and gives the cheering audience a peep show]
  
JERRY
Okay... Ms. Beryl, can you give us a summary of what happened after the sailor senshi defeated you so many years ago?
  
BERYL
Sure Jerry. When Mettallia possessed me, Sailor Moon thought I was dead. But, I was just really, really hurt. After walking around as a living Band-Aid for a few months, I discovered my true calling. I'm now one of the main attractions at Barney's Strip Parlor, over on 69th and Cherry Hill. 
  
JERRY
And, this lifestyle pleases you?
  
BERYL
Well, the tips are great. The only thing I miss is my Endymion.
  
JERRY
Endymion?
  
BERYL
Yeah. That's him, right there
  
[She points to Mamoru, who blushes]
  
MAMORU (whispering)
Please, not here... Not on Tv... Usagi'll kill me...
  
[Beryl snaps her fingers, and Mamoru drops to his knees. He bows at Beryl's feet]
  
MAMORU
Yes, Mistress... I will be your love slave...
  
BERYL
Now, that's the way I like my men!
  
JERRY
Um... Yes... This is interesting... Perhaps it's time for another guest who'll add more interest to this mix. Neherenia, Queen of the Dead Moon!
[Neherenia runs out and smacks Beryl with a mirror, breaking it on her head]
  
BERYL
AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!! YOU [beep]!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Endymion! Kill her!
  
[Mamoru rises blindly]
NEHERENIA
Mamo-chan!! Kill HER!!
  
[Mamoru pauses, not sure of which villaness' order to follow]
  
[The two women growl and start at each other again. They start pulling hair]
  
[The huge security guards pull them apart]
  
NEHERENIA
NO!!! She'll take my man!! I can't let her!!!!!!!!! 
  
[The men sit her in the corner and hand her a mirror]
  
NEHERENIA
Ooohhhhh... Look at my face... I'm so gorgeous...
  
JERRY
Now that we've filled our fight quotient of the day, tell us what it's like to work in a strip joint, Ms. Beryl.
  
BERYL
Oh, it's nothing all that special. I do some dancing, mostly lapdancing. Should I show you?
  
[The crowd cheers]
  
BERYL
I'll take that as a yes. 
  
[She climbs onto Mamoru's lap and begins shoving her breasts in his face]
  
[The crowd cheers louder]
  
[Jerry sits in the audience, waiting to regain control of his show]
  
VOICE
Machinasai!!!!!
  
[A blast of power comes from nowhere and kills Beryl. Sailor Moon then runs on-stage. The perky background music that always seems to start when she shows up begins to play]
  
MOON
Ai to seigi no
Seeraa fuku bishoujo senshi
Seera Muun!!!!!!
Tsuki ni kawatte,
Oshiyokiyo!!!
  
[she motions to Beryl's dead body]
  
And, that's what you get when you mess with my man!
  
MAMORU
Eeeeeehhhhhhh.... Usako..... Hi.
  
MOON (coldly)
Don't you "Usako" me!! I'll deal with you when we're NOT on national Tv. 
  
AUDIENCE
Oooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh........
  
MAMORU
Shut up, will ya? I'm in enough trouble here!
  
[Sailor Moon takes a seat beside Mamoru]
  
URANUS' VOICE (from backstage)
Oooohhh yeah, Neptune!!! Make me feel like the wind!!!!!!!!!!
  
NEPTUNE'S VOICE (giggling)
Now, now... Be good! You don't want to get the seas angry, now do you?
  
URANUS' VOICE
Yes I do!!!! Come on, punish me!! Punish me!!!
  
[Jerry shakes his head]
  
JERRY
I'm hoping we can get some peace now. Our next guest is Sailor Venus. Let's hope there's nothing too crazy about her.
  
[The big security guys drag out a blond girl in a straight jacket]
  
BIG SECURITY GUY 1
This is just a stop on her route to the local mental institution.
  
JERRY
My God! What happened to her?
  
VENUS
IT'S THE JACKIE CHIANG FANFICS!!!!!!!!!!!!! JACKIE CHIANG!!!!!! JACKIE CHIANG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  
BIG SECURITY GUARD 2
Sure thing, kid. Let's go off to that happy land of fluffy bunnies now, okay?
  
VENUS
Is that the place with the pretty white walls?
  
BIG SECURITY GUARD 1
Yep.
  
VENUS
Think they'll let me keep my belt this time?
  
[The big security guards drag her away]
  
[Jerry rubs his forehead as if he has a headache]
  
JERRY
Sailor Jupiter? Please be sane.
  
[Sailor Jupiter runs out, carrying a pink scarf]
  
JUPITER
Haruka-san? I brought your scarf back!!!!
  
JERRY
Er... Sailor Uranus left.
  
[Jupiter looks crestfallen]
  
[Sailor Uranus runs back on-stage and whispers something in Jupiter's ear. Jupiter's face brightens and she runs off with Uranus]
  
JERRY
That was short. Here's Sailor Mercury!
  
[nothing happens]
  
MOON
(whispering)
Oh, Mercury's busy and can't be here...
(at audible level)
She's doing my homework!
  
PLUTO
Sailor Moon... loud part soft...
  
MOON
Oopsie! Ignore that last part...
  
JUPITER'S VOICE
With both of you??? I've never done that before...
  
JERRY (In the midst of a sweatdrop)
I'm hoping Sailor Mars'll stay put for more than a few seconds...
  
[A very pregnant Sailor Mars walks out]
  
MOON
Rei-chan!! What happened??
  
MAMORU (whispering)
I knew it was a bad idea to go on a talk show...
  
MARS
Oh, you mean the baby? The father is... I don't know if I should say this on Tv...
  
BAKA AUDIENCE MEMBER
Say it!!!
  
MARS
Well, of course I'm going to say it! I just wanted to make it look like it was hard for me! The father of this baby is...
  
[dramatic pause]
  
MARS
Mamoru!!
  
[Sailor Moon looks at Mamoru, and fire spews from the background]
  
MOON
Mamo-chaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  
[Mamoru hides behind the still intimate Nephrite and Naru]
  
NARU
Ooh, a threesome? Well, since everyone else in the Sailor Moon universe seems to have a crush on you, why not?
  
MOON
Does this mean what I think it does??
  
NEPHRITE
Naru's going to be really sore in the morning?
  
MOON
No, baka!! If Mamo-chan doesn't want me to steal a Starlight uniform and show him what they were REALLY made for, he'll leave you two alone. I was asking about how Mars got pregnant.
  
MARS
Well, baka, there's only one way to make a baby.
  
MOON
You [beep] [beep] [beep] [beep]ing [beep]!!!!!
  
[She picks up a chair and throws it at Mars. The fight continues until the big security guards make another appearance and break them apart]
  
JERRY
Y'know, we really should nail those chairs down...
  
PLUTO
Um... Sailor Moon... I don't think hurting the baby's something you want to do...
  
MOON
And, why not? That little hoochy [beep]ed my man!!
  
PLUTO
Um... If you value the future of the world, you wouldn't kill it. That baby is...
  
[deliberate pause]
  
PLUTO
The kid's going to be Chibiusa.
  
MOON (quoting Umino's earlier question)
NANINANINANI?????
  
[Pluto blushes]
  
PLUTO
Sorry I didn't tell you before... We all thought it was best if you believed she was your daughter... That, and Mars wanted to see the look on your face. 
  
MOON
But, wouldn't the world be much better off without the little brat?? 
  
PLUTO
True, but it's my unfortunate duty to make sure time flows the way it should, therefore preventing a time paradox that would wipe out all life on the planet, not to mention my cozy little place in Maui. 
  
[Jerry listens to the director yelling things into his headphone]
  
JERRY
(whispering)
Now It's time for my favorite part of the show... audience participation!
(at audible level)
Oh, no... Not that!!! There is no god!!
(yelling)
Damn it!! Now I'm doing it!!
  
[Jerry walks into the audience, where an indignant negro lady steals the microphone from him]
  
NEGRO LADY
Yeah... I'd like to talk to the girl in the back with the bright orange hair. I thought the little dead geek boy was your boyfriend. How come you didn't beat the crap outta that other guy?
  
NEPHRITE
Because she's agreed to devote her energy to the noble cause of our relationship!! She no longer needs to be limited to the confines of human romance! She's getting it from the best now, baby!
  
NEGRO LADY
Humph! Well, I'm just sayin' that if it was me over there, I'd [beep] [beep] [beep] that [beep]'s [beep]in' [beep] [beep]!!!
  
[cheers from the audience]
  
[Jerry now goes to a white hick man]
  
HICK MAN
Um.. Yeah. I kinda want to know if I can go out wit that cute chick wit da mirrah?
  
NEHERENIA
Are you willing to be my loyal servant and give up your soul to keep me young and beautiful forever?
  
HICK MAN
Sure. I ain't usin' it none.
  
[Jerry quickly backs away from the hick man and goes to another lady]
  
LADY
I'm interested in knowing what's going to happen between that guy and Sailor Moon when they get home.
  
[The audience cheers]
  
MOON
Well, not that it's any of your business, but he'll be getting quite a talking-to. 
  
MARS (slyly)
And, then he'll be getting a whipping!
  
MOON
WHAT????? 
  
[The big security guards stop the catfight before it starts, and then complain that they don't get paid enough]
  
[Jerry sighs]
  
JERRY
Ugh... What a disaster... Just go to a commercial, will you? When we come back, I'll have my final thoughts.
  
[CM break]
  
[End of CM break]
  
JERRY
We saw a different side of the sailor senshi today. Violent, sadistic, really, really, POed. This was a stretch from the good-hearted girls we'd come to know and love. But, that is no reason to lose faith in them. Despite their personal problems, they've always been able to band together as a team and save the world. 
  
But that doesn't mean you should imitate them. They're not always right, y'know. Just because Sailor Mars feels it's okay to carry Mamoru's love child doesn't make it all right for you to do the same. Just because Sailor Venus has been driven insane in too many Jackie Chiang fanfics to mention doesn't mean she's not an incredible author. You have to remember the difference between reality and fiction. 
  
[he pops an asprin]
  
And never let the two merge if you know what's good for your own sanity. I'm Jerry Springer, and that's my final thought.
  
[End]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  
So, what do you think? This was my first humor fanfic; should I write more?
Remember my email addy: [MinakoX33@aol.com][1]

   [1]: mailto:MinakoX33@aol.com



	2. "Past Guests Attack!"

Jerry Springer: When Past Guests Attack!  
  
Written by Jessie  
  
If one wishes to talk to the author about anything, she's reached at:   
MinakoX33@aol.com  
  
Visit Senshi no Sekai at:  
http://www.geocities.com/tokyo/ginza/6620  
  
NOTES:   
This was written in response to the overwhelming response I got from my   
"Very Special Episode of Jerry Springer" fanfic... I hope to get just as   
much from this story.   
  
This was written during the short-lived period of time in which the show was   
editing out the numerous fights... I poked a slight bit of fun at that...  
To understand a lot of these jokes, especially the ones at the end, it's   
almost mandatory that one reads Jackie Chiang's Sailor Moon A story 6:   
Insanity At a Glance. ::bows to Jackie-sama and begs forgiveness for making   
light of her works::  
  
[Mandatory Bandai Logo]  
  
[Clips from the coming episode]  
  
ANNOUNCER  
  
Today, On Jerry Springer...  
  
Full frontal nudity!!!!!  
  
[Clips of Sailor Mars, topless and nursing]  
  
And, of course, the mandatory fights!  
  
[Scenes showing Sailor Venus bashing Mamoru on the head with a baseball bat]  
  
All this and more on the next Jerry Springer!!  
  
[Jerry Springer's theme song is played, and Jerry walks out to the crowd's   
chants of, "Jerry, Jerry!!"]  
  
JERRY  
  
Thank you everyone. We have an exciting show planned today. In response to   
the amazing response we received to our episode spotlighting the Sailor   
Senshi, we've convinced them to come back to our show!   
  
[Loud cheers from the audience]  
  
JERRY  
  
If you remember, last time we saw Ms. Aino Minako, AKA Sailor Venus, she was   
being carted away to the nut house. Well, it appears that she's recovered.   
Aino-san, could you please join us?  
  
[Minako cheerily skips onstage and sits in the first chair]  
  
JERRY   
  
So, Ms. Minako, what exactly was it that drove you insane in the first place?  
  
MINAKO  
  
I'm not crazy.  
  
JERRY (Scoffing)  
  
Sure you're not.  
  
MINAKO (angry)  
  
Really, I'm not! That's what everyone's been telling me for these past few   
months. That I'm crazy. 'Look at the nut, Minako!' They'd say. But, I don't   
believe them. They're all just mistaken, deluded. They all read those Jackie  
Chiang fanfiction stories and think I'm just like them.  
  
JERRY  
  
Um... Okay.   
  
Anyway, in other news, the last time we saw Sailor Moon, she was pretty   
peeved at her boyfriend, Chiba Mamoru. She had just caught him doing some   
cootchy-coo with Queen Beryl.   
  
[Jerry gestures to a blood stain on the carpet]  
  
JERRY  
  
Needless to say, Beryl didn't come out of it too well.  
Well, we've brought the happy couple back!  
Sailor Moon, Chiba-san, come on out!  
  
[Sailor Moon walks out, holding a taut leash. A few seconds later, Mamoru is   
dragged out on the other side of the same leash]  
  
MAMORU (gasping and choking)  
  
Usa... Usako... It's really hard to breathe like this... I can walk by   
myself, you know...  
  
MOON  
  
Did I say you could talk?  
  
[Mamoru shakes his head silently and Sailor Moon smiles]  
  
MOON  
  
Thought not. Now, Be a good boy and shut up.  
  
AUDIENCE  
  
Ooooooooooohhhhhhhhhh...............  
  
[Sailor Moon takes out one of her many rods and points it at the audience]  
  
MOON  
  
And I don't want to hear anything from you. I came on this show as a favor   
for one person only, and it wasn't you! Anyone who says anything about this   
gets a Moon Gorgeous Meditation up their [beep]!!!!  
  
JERRY  
  
Ms. Moon, are you feeling all right? You seem a little violent today.  
  
MOON   
  
Well, it's about time for me to stop being the ditzy blond, the crybaby, and   
the clutz. Besides, Minako had that market cornered long before I came along.  
  
MINAKO  
  
HEY!!! You piece of [beep]!! I'LL KILL YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
[Minako jumps up and looks for her henshin stick. Sailor Moon smiles even   
more as she holds up an orange stick with the sign of Venus on it]  
  
MOON   
  
Looking for something, Minako? Isn't it time for your medication, anyways?  
  
MINAKO  
  
Fine.  
  
[Minako pops a small pink pill. Her expression immediately turns calm and   
mellow]  
  
MINAKO  
  
Oooohhh, wow. I feel so much better now.  
  
MOON  
  
Just sit down, okay?  
  
[Minako sits]  
  
MOON  
  
We had to take away her henshin rod just in case she got like that. It   
happens a lot.   
  
JERRY  
  
All right...  
  
[To himself]  
  
Why did I agree to have another show with these nutbags?  
  
[To Sailor Moon]  
  
Ms. Moon, You said that there was only one person who convinced you to come   
back on this show. Who was it?  
  
MOON  
  
Myself.  
  
JERRY  
  
Excuse me?  
  
MOON  
  
You heard me. Or, rather the incarnation of myself from one of the many   
possible futures, which everyone has seemed to accept as the valid one even   
though Pluto keeps telling us that if we don't watch out and stop being so   
goddamn ditzy, one day we could wake up with a garnet rod stuck through our   
brains, and THEN where would our future be?  
  
JERRY  
  
I'm not going to go anywhere NEAR that one. So, does this future you have a   
name?  
  
MOON  
  
Neo Queen Serenity. She sent a note back with Chibiusa telling me that it   
would be best for everyone if I came back on this cockamamie show. I don't   
know nor do I care why at this point.  
  
JERRY  
  
Well, let's see if Chibimoon can help shed some light on this situation.  
  
[A teenage Sailor Chibimoon skips out]  
  
CHIBIMOON (cheery)  
  
Hi, Usagi! What's up?  
  
[Sailor Moon growls]  
  
JERRY  
  
So, Ms. Chibimoon, why exactly is it so important for you all to be back on   
this show?  
  
[Whispers]  
  
Between the two of us, I wouldn't send my worst enemy up for torture like   
this.  
  
CHIBIMOON  
  
Well, Mama Mars said it was good to make sure that Mama Usagi came on this   
show 'cause there's something important that's gonna happen that I'm not   
allowed to tell anyone about.  
  
MINAKO  
  
I'm not insane, y'know!  
  
JERRY  
  
Of course you're not, Minako-san. Anyway, Ms. Chibimoon, is there anything   
you wish to say to anyone here?  
  
[Chibimoon waves to Mamoru]  
  
  
CHIBIMOON  
  
Hi, Papa!! How're ya feeling?  
  
[Mamoru looks up from his spot on the floor]  
  
MAMORU  
  
Chibiusa-chan, you're from the future... Please tell me she's just going   
through a phase.  
  
CHIBIMOON  
  
She's just going through a phase.  
  
[Mamoru sighs with relief]  
  
Yeah, you REALLY hated the other ones.   
  
MAMORU  
  
Other ones??  
  
CHIBIMOON  
  
Oh, yeah! There was the one where you broke into the old Dark Kingdom base   
and played "Queen Beryl and Endymion," and then there was where you went to   
the old Dead Moon Tent and played "Neherenia and Mamoru," and then...  
  
MAMORU  
  
That's ENOUGH, sweetie. Thank you. I didn't really need to know that.  
  
CHIBIMOON  
  
You asked.  
  
JERRY  
  
O-Kay! This is truly an event! Four guests, and not a fight yet!! These new   
guidelines are really taking effect! With that in mind, let's bring out a   
familiar face. The Senshi of Fire and Passion, Sailor Mars!!  
  
[A topless Sailor Mars walks out, with a small baby nursing on her]  
  
[Chibimoon skips over and waves to the baby]  
  
CHIBIMOON  
  
Hi, little me! Are you behaving for Mama Mars? I know you are!  
  
[Chibimoon takes the baby and begins playing with it]  
  
JERRY  
  
Um... Ms. Mars... This isn't a (completely) Hentai show... yet...  
  
MARS  
  
Are you telling me that a woman can't breastfeed wherever she pleases???   
Listen, Jerry! This child has needs and I'm not going to stop whatever I'm   
doing in order to find a 'private place' so I can abide by all of your   
society's 'rules'! Things aren't like this is the temple, y'know! There, a   
girl can go stark [beep]ing nekkid if she wants, and no one'll give a rat's   
ass! And y'know why?  
  
JERRY (Not really wanting to hear the answer)  
  
Why?  
  
MARS  
  
Because my Grandpa's a Hentai old pervert who gets a kick out of the whole   
[beep]ing thing!  
  
JERRY  
  
I see you've learned quite a few vocabulary words since we last met.   
  
MOON  
  
Yeah, well, that has a lot to do with the fact that she's been having an   
affair with my man!!  
  
MARS   
  
He didn't act like 'your' [beep]ing man when I [beep]ed him last night!  
  
MOON  
  
You [beep]ing [beep]!!!!!!!!  
  
[Obviously cut fight scene]  
  
[Sailor Moon is now trying to cover herself with the few shreds that remain   
of her costume]  
  
[Sailor Mars is holding her baby and crying hysterically]  
  
MARS (In between sniffles)  
  
I... I'm sorry Usagi.... Can you ever forgive me?  
  
MOON  
  
Sure thing, Rei-chan...  
  
MOON & MARS  
  
I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!  
  
JERRY   
  
Wow, that was a once in a lifetime event! I've never seen such a fight on   
this show! It was unbelievable! I'm speechless. Let's go to a commercial, and  
when we come back, I'll have more with the Sailor Senshi!   
  
[CM Break]  
  
[The author doesn't feel like writing in a farce of a commercial]  
  
[End of CM Break]  
  
JERRY  
  
For those just tuning in, today we're bringing back our most popular guests   
to date, the Sailor Senshi. Now, last time, Sailor Mercury couldn't be with   
us. But, we've got her here today! Let's welcome Sailor Mercury!  
  
[Sailor Mercury walks out, and curtsies to the audience before taking a seat   
beside Sailor Mars]  
  
JERRY  
  
It's great to finally meet you, Ms. Mercury. Last time, you were too busy   
doing Ms. Moon's homework to come on the show.   
  
MERCURY  
  
Well, Jerry, I've got a confession to make...  
  
JERRY  
  
You've come to the right show. What is it?  
  
MERCURY  
  
I wasn't doing Usagi's homework that day. Although, I WAS making sure we got   
better grades...  
  
MOON  
  
Ami-chan, what do you mean?  
  
MERCURY  
  
I was sleeping with Tanaka-sensei...  
  
[Gasps from everyone]  
  
JERRY  
  
What? Can you explain this, Ms. Mercury?  
  
MERCURY  
  
Certainly. I never really bothered to study for all those tests. I've never   
taken a test in my life. I sleep with the teachers in exchange for A's.   
  
JERRY  
  
But, isn't that a little cheap of you?  
  
MERCURY  
  
Compared to what some people get away with on this show...  
  
[Glares at Mars]  
  
I'm a nun...  
  
MARS  
  
Oh yeah? Well, I know nuns with a better sex lif---   
  
[Finally gets what Ami was talking about]  
  
Oh, nevermind.....  
  
MOON  
  
But, Ami-chan, what about the books you were always reading?  
  
MINAKO  
  
And, the way you always used to tell me, "Don't be crazy, Minako! Study!!"  
  
[Smiles]  
  
And, I'm not crazy, y'know. Just because I didn't study was no reason to lock  
me in that big white room!! THERE WAS NO REASON!!!!!!! THERE'S NO [beep]ING   
REASON!!!!!!!  
  
[The Big Security Guards give Minako some tranquilizers]  
  
MERCURY  
  
...  
  
[blinks]  
  
...  
  
Anyway, all that stuff was an act so no one got suspicious as to why I kept   
getting those grades. The books I'd always drag around with me were really   
about new positions I could try... I mean, after 12 years of screwing my   
teachers, I started to get bored with the same old things... I just put a   
cover on it that said something about "Environmental Chemistry" on it, and no  
one dared look in it. It was the perfect system. But now that High School's   
out, I don't worry about anyone knowing, since I have no plans for college.   
  
MARS   
  
But, I thought you wanted to be a doctor?  
  
MERCURY  
  
Oh, yeah. I'll probably become a psychologist. All they do is sit around on   
their asses all day and give people like Minako pills. Any idiot can do that   
job.   
  
MINAKO  
  
I'M NOT INSANE, DAMN IT!!!!!!!!!  
  
[A white cat comes running onto the stage]  
  
ARTEMIS  
  
Someone grab her! She's still got her--  
  
[Minako kicks Artemis in the gut, sending him flying into the audience]  
  
[Minako waves a pen in the air]  
  
MINAKO  
  
Moon Power Make Up!!!!!!  
  
[Minako transforms into Sailor V, complete with nifty red mask]  
  
[Minako holds up a compact]  
  
SAILOR V  
  
Crescent beam!!!!!!!!  
  
[Half the audience gets taken out]  
  
[The big Security Guards run onstage to try and stop Minako]  
  
[Minako Crescent Beams them into nonexistence]  
  
[Minako then looks behind a chair and finds the baseball bat Umino used in   
the last episode]  
  
SAILOR V  
  
Must... Kill... The Lovers...  
  
DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
[Obviously cut scene]  
  
[Someone in the Audience screams]  
  
JERRY (While trying to find his glasses)  
  
Well, that really was something. Mamoru, we'll try and get the hospital to   
look at that. It can't be anything too serious...  
  
MAMORU  
  
Gruuuu....  
  
MOON  
  
I swear, if that bitch ever gets out of the looney bin again...  
  
MARS  
  
Baka, she can't! You killed her, remember?  
  
[Points to the new blood stain on the run, symmetric to the one from where   
Beryl died]  
  
MOON  
  
Oh, yeah. It feels so good, I forget sometimes...  
  
MARS  
  
Now, don't you start going homicidal on us, too...  
  
MOON  
  
I'm not insane!!!  
  
JERRY (Wide-eyed)  
  
Okay, [beep] the commercial break, it's really [beep]ed up of producers to   
shove these [beep]ing senshi back on my nice, safe show after the [beep] they  
pulled last time. I'm going back to the nice, safe, hicks after this... I'm   
Jerry Springer, and this is my final thought. Until next time, take care of   
yourselves, and each other...  
  
[nothing happens]  
  
JERRY  
  
GOD DANM IT!!! I ENDED THE [beep]ING SHOW ALREADY!!!! I don't care if there's  
still fifteen minutes in the show!!! I'm trying to stay alive at this point!!  
THIS SHOW IS OVER!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
[Jerry shoves a hand into the cameras]  
  
[Static]  
  
[End]  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
So, what do you think? This was shorter than my first one, but I think you   
get the picture... ^.~   
  
I was actually thinking of turning this into a sort of humor series. It'd   
involve the senshi going on different talk shows and interacting with the   
hosts (Well, I can't very well do another Jerry fic after this... Or can I?   
Feedback Majority rules on this matter...). Next show? Probably either Jay   
Leno, Conan O'Brian, or Rosie O'Donnell...   
  
Remember my email addy: MinakoX33@aol.com  
  
If you want to see other fanfics I've done, or just see my page, it's at  
http://kawaii-jessie.virtualave.net  
  



End file.
